Top 5's...
North Terrace. College Park. 1993. What more can I say?
Top 5 Reasons to Clean the Kitchen
- Outbreak of Typhoid
- Can't find the remote control and already looked everywhere else
- Visit from the Queen
- Guests keep going in, and not coming out
- House inspection
Top 5 Reasons to Clean Lounge Room
- Can't see the floor for the pizza boxes
- More than ten mice seen at any one time
- Can't get to the TV to turn it on
- Acb was last seen in there 3 weeks ago
- You've lost your pipe!
Top 5 Reasons to Park in Driveway
- Can't park on the road
- Xylic yells at you otherwise
- Causes interesting things to occur on the road
- Less distance to walk when arriving
- Less distance to walk when leaving!
Acb's Top 5 Tracks for Tripping*
*as determine by field trips 1990-1993
- Spice (preferably heard from up a hill)
- It's Grim Up North (preferably played at dawn)
- Moby's 1000 (to be repeated frequently)
- Temple of Dreams (as for 2)
- Anything by the Pet Shop Boys (as for 3)!
*as determine by field trips 1990-1993
Weeks...
You know how that for virtually every week of the calendar there's a special interest group that has claimed the week as theirs. Like, Potato Grower's Association week. Or, Breast Cancer Awareness week. We've come up with a few of our own...
THIS WEEK IS
FEDERAL GLUTAMATE EPIGLOTAL ASSOCIATION
WEEK
FEDERAL GLUTAMATE EPIGLOTAL ASSOCIATION
WEEK
THIS WEEK IS
NATIONAL ARGENTINIAN DUNG-BEETLE ASSOCIATION
WEEK
‘THINK OF SOMEONE – WATCH WHERE YOU STEP’
NATIONAL ARGENTINIAN DUNG-BEETLE ASSOCIATION
WEEK
‘THINK OF SOMEONE – WATCH WHERE YOU STEP’
THIS WEEK IS
CANADIAN LEPIDOPTERA
WEEK
CANADIAN LEPIDOPTERA
WEEK
IT IS VITAL AT ALL TIMES THAT WE ARE TOTALLY AWARE OF THE SHIRT!
THIS WEEK IS
BASH A CRITIC
WEEK
‘GIVE A GOERS WHAT HE DESERVES’
BASH A CRITIC
WEEK
‘GIVE A GOERS WHAT HE DESERVES’
THIS WEEK IS
NATIONAL
BE NICE TO THE MENTALLY RETARDED
WEEK
SMILE AT A POLICEMAN TODAY!
NATIONAL
BE NICE TO THE MENTALLY RETARDED
WEEK
SMILE AT A POLICEMAN TODAY!
THIS WEEK IS
CHRONIC HAPLOGRAPHY
WEEK
‘HUG A HAPL TODAY!’
CHRONIC HAPLOGRAPHY
WEEK
‘HUG A HAPL TODAY!’
THIS WEEK IS
NATURAL SELECTION
WEEK
‘JUMP IN FRONT OF A MOVING TRUCK’
NATURAL SELECTION
WEEK
‘JUMP IN FRONT OF A MOVING TRUCK’
Lies
I have submitted the following lies to
Dave's Web of Lies.The lies of Acb Phelonius Tyson III as best as I can remember them.
♦
In the 18th and 19th Centuries divers swam to depths of thousands of feet to catch deep ocean fish favoured by the Kings, and the later the Presidents of France. Although horribly disfigured some divers worked into their sixties. Upon retirement they received a generous state pension and sometimes a small estate in the provinces.
♦
I died at the age of twenty-one successfully defending the Earth from alien invasion.
♦
"Australia" is the aboriginal word for "Sod off, you Pommy bastards".
♦
Scientists have now proved there are five universal forces: Stong Nuclear Attraction, Weak Nuclear Attraction, Electromagnetism, Blue Tack and Gravity. There are now two Grand Unifying Theories; one that links the first four forces, and the other links the last two, but none that do both.
♦
Americans are twice as likely as any other nationality to get their heads stuck in the toilet bowl. (The various theories as to why include America's obsession with hygiene, to the amount of shite that comes out of Americans' mouths)
♦
Elvis was indeed kidnapped by aliens. But this was merely an attempt on their part to get him to stop singing.
♦
The 2 US Presidents named George Bush are actually the same person. In a few years George Bush "Junior" will actually experience a displacement back in time. He will then go on to become Vice President and eventually President (for the second time in his experience) as George Bush "Senior". This is evident in the fact that Junior seems to be fumbling through his first term, whereas Senior seemed to know a little about what he was doing. Unfortunately Senior cannot give Junior any advice as this would upset the natural time-lines of human history. This "time displacement" was not the first time that George Bush had experienced such a phenomenon. He was actually born in 2074.
Limericks
One Christmas when I was around ten years old, I wrote a limerick for each person present at the Christmas lunch. I've kept 2 of them over the years, as these were the best limericks, and they matched their subjects well. Both Bett and Dave are now departed.
♦
There was lady called Bett,
Who used to wear a twin set,
Her leg gave her jip,
And so did her hip,
Especially when the weather was wet.
♦
There was a man called Dave,
Who use to rave and rave,
When he started to talk,
Away they would walk,
And his wife would tell him to behave.
♦
Surnames
At school in final year one lunch time, me and my friends made up these sayings to match people's surnames. The first letter of each line spells out the names.
Growing
Rapidly
Into a
Fast
Female
In
The
High
School
Drawing
Romantic
Elegant
Women
Rapidly
Into a
Fast
Female
In
The
High
School
Drawing
Romantic
Elegant
Women
Big
In
Conscience and
Kind of
Fast
On
Revealing
Drama
Tiresome
Youth
Sayings
Of
Nothing
In
Conscience and
Kind of
Fast
On
Revealing
Drama
Tiresome
Youth
Sayings
Of
Nothing
Personally
Elegant
And
Reasonably
Suspected
Of
Nothing
More
Of
Offensive
Rhetoric
Effectiveness
Elegant
And
Reasonably
Suspected
Of
Nothing
More
Of
Offensive
Rhetoric
Effectiveness
Person
Of
Little
Intelligence
Towards
Opposition
Randy
And
Naturalistic
Sort
Of
Man
Of
Little
Intelligence
Towards
Opposition
Randy
And
Naturalistic
Sort
Of
Man
Sudden
Heated
Arguments
Kindle
Extensive
Sonnetts
Personifying
Effective
And
Reasonable
Ending
Heated
Arguments
Kindle
Extensive
Sonnetts
Personifying
Effective
And
Reasonable
Ending
Not
Of
The
Terrestial
Land,
Earth
Boring
Opticals
Need
Deviation
Of
The
Terrestial
Land,
Earth
Boring
Opticals
Need
Deviation
Another high school lunch time thing. Umm...
| Death is... | ||
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still moving lifeless monumental popular famous habit forming dying heavenly hell quiet dead alive dull deep (6' under) a blast reaching new heights numb |
boring fanatical rebirth religious unpregidous the end the beginning the beginning of the end fulfilling inexplicable radiating a worry malignant massive small young old claustrophobic |
peaceful tranquil noisy instant slow personal public depressing executing tactful destructive no more continuous nutritious inevitable an occasion defective massive interesting |