I have discovered that in the box on the census form marked "Sex" 27% wrote Male, 28% wrote Female, 12% wrote Don't Know. 4% said Weekly. One man wrote WeakIy, and 24% wrote Yes, Please.

All of which is in line with a letter to the Editor published in The Sunday Times in London after the paper carried a comprehensive report on a survey into British sex habits.

It went something like this: "Dear Sir. I thought your readers might be interested in a sexual survey carried out recently by a friend of mine.

"He discovered that after sexual intercourse 2.4% of people did it again, 3.5% had a cigarette, 4.1% rolled over and went to sleep, and the other 90% got up and went home."

lNTRODUCTORY

1. Did you know that the Olympic sex test, which is known as a "femininity control", consists merely of two scientific samplings?
   Yes
   No
2. And is done so discreetly that nobody ever hears about it except the unfortunate person concerned?
   Yes
   Get on with it
3. So wouldn't you like to settle all your own nagging doubts by taking this exhaustive and enthralling sex test in the privacy of your own track suit?
   Yes
   I beg your pardon?

CEREMONIAL

1. Do you hereby swear that you are entering this Olympic do-it-yourself sex test not for national glory or for monetary gain, but merely for the sheer satisfaction of taking part?
   Yes
2. Do you undertake solemnly to abide by the result?
   Yes
3. Do you promise that you are not taking this test with the use of any drugs?
   Yes

FOR THOSE WHO THINK THEY ARE MEN

1. Why do you wear a track suit before and after your event?
   Because it keeps my limbs supple and warm
   Because the manufacturer insists on it
   Because I get a funny feeling when I see other men staring at my legs
2. If you are a wrestler or boxer, what is your attitude to your opponent?
   I just try to beat him, that's all
   I try to exact revenge on him for all the suffering my father inflicted on my mother
   I admire his finely tuned physique inordinately
3. When you see a javelin flying through the air, what do you think?
   Look, there's a javelin flying through the air
   My goodness, what a thrilling, powerful, yet somehow threatening sight
   There's a corny old phallic symbol for you
   That reminds me where did I leave my knitting needles?
4. What would your reaction be to getting a bronze medal?
   Only gold is good enough for me
   Bronze doesn't match my hair
5. Which of the following most nearly describes your feelings when caught in a bunch of runners?
   I hope my number's on straight
   You'd think one of them would let me through first
   Men! They're only after one thing, all of them. Gold.
6. When a fellow athlete points admiringly to a girl runner's legs, do you say?
   She's a knock-out and no mistake; if only I wasn't in training...
   Not bad, I suppose, but her hair's a real mess
7. Have you ever felt a compulsion to write to the leader of the Liberal Party?
   Yes
   No
8. Have you ever misread Brahm's String Sextet as Brahm's String Sex Test?
   Yes
   No, but I sometimes get mixed up with the Franck sonata and Frank Sinatra
9. Has it ever occurred to you that Jesse Owens sounds like a woman's name?
   No
   Wasn't she a woman? Or am I thinking of Leni Riefenstahl? Or was it Lenny Riefenstahl? Oh dear, I do get mixed up
10. What is your attitude to drugs?
    Well everyone uses them, don't they?
    I did try them once but they put on pounds immediately, and it did nothing for my figure at all

FOR THOSE WHO THINK THEY ARE WOMEN

1. You may have noticed that your chest is more well developed than that of the male. What do you think the purpose of this is?
   Motherhood
   To reach the tape just that bit sooner
   Well, because my trainer says I need the hormone treatment to keep my chest well developed, otherwise I may have to undergo the femininity control and then I'd have to go back into the Bulgarian Army as a corporal
2. If a fellow competitor in a throwing event makes a mess of a throw and drops her discus or shot or javelin, what is your reaction?
   I think, thank God the silly cow has had another foul throw
   I leap forward and gallantly pick it up for her
3. If you discover that there was a rumour among your rivals that you were really a man, would you
   Start shaving more often?
   Toss your. head and flounce away?
   Burst into tears?
   Knock them down?
4. Do you consider that the women's shot putt event is
   Most unfeminine?
   Pretty expensive on underarm deodorants?
   Hell on the average bra strap?
   A way to earn a living?
5. Is this a picture of
   a man embracing his coach?
   a girl embracing her coach?
   the sex test people carrying off a suspect?
   part of the Linda Lovelace jury?
   
   
   
   
6. In training, do you prefer to go for a run with
   Girls?
   Men?
   A good romance story with a happy ending?
7. If you win a medal, and the President of the IOC gives vou a kiss when he presents it, what will you do?
   Kiss him back
   Blush
   Slap his wrist
   Smash his face in
8. Does this ink blot remind you of
   a woman in a fur coat?
   a man with a black beard?
   a New Yorker cartoon?
   a lobster run over?
   some other urgent engagement?
   
   
   
   
9. If you think your race is likely to end in a photofinish, would you
   Spike your nearest opponent?
   Dip for the tape?
   Smooth your hair back?
10. Which injury or accident do you fear most?
    Hernia
    Hamstring
    Acne
    Shaving rash
    Broken voice
    Laddered tights
11. Have you ever felt a compulsion to write to the leader of the Tory Party?
    Yes
    No
12. What is your favourite hobby?
    Driving tractors
    Dress-making
    Body-building
    Mind your own flaming business

When you have completed the test and the coupon below, send it to the address on the coupon for completely confidential and discreet treatment.

Name............................................................

Olympic event..............................................

To:
Sex-Change-Olympic-Shock-Probe-Drama-Dept.
Punch
23 Tudor Street
London EC4

I understand that you will use all my intimate confessions in the most lurid fashion possible

GENERAL CERTIFICATE OF EDUCATION
June 1971, Ordinary Level

SEX
Three hours
(Questions 1 and 2 are compulsory. Answer TWO others. Be gentle.)

1.	Read the following passage carefully, and answer the questions below: When the ****** descends on the *********** the pressure within the ******* is rapidly reduced; also, as the *********** past the sideways position, the leverage is reduced so that, beyond a certain point, little useful *** is being done. Advantage is taken to increase ********* by arranging for the ****** to open before the **** reaches bottom dead centre, so that the remaining pressure assists in expelling the ****** from the ******. The latter process is known as **********. Finally, in order to encourage the rapid influx of fresh *******, the ******* is opened before the end of the ******** stroke, so that the outgoing **** of ******* creates a follow through effect. To complete the *******, the ****** is not closed until a little after top dead centre. It will be noted that for a short period both **** and ****** are open simultaneously, and this is known as **** overlap. The ***** and ***** are shaped to reduce the tendency for the incomng **** to escape via the ******.
	i.	How does the author keep up your interest?
	ii.	What influences, literary or otherwise, can you trace in the style?
	iii.	Can you fill in the asterisks?
	iv.	Does the passage now seem an accurate account?
	v.	Could you describe it in your own words?
	vi.	Would you he surprised to learn that it was taken from The Penguin Car Handbook, p. 34?
	vii.	Why ?
2.	Write an essay of not more than five hundred words on ONE the following:
	i.	What I did in the holidays OR What I'm going to have to do about it.
	ii.	A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
	iii.	"Choose thou whatever suits the line: call me Sappho!" (S. T. Coleridge)/td>
	iv.	"Pat a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man,  Bake me a cake as fast as you can;  Pat it, and prick it, and mark it with B,  Put it in the oven for baby and me!''
	v.	My favourite form mistress OR My favourite mistress's form.
3.	"Oscar Wilde was a great writer but a bad queen." Discuss.
4.	According to Macaulay, Catherine the Great of Russia frequently entertained young subalterns on the sideboard. Will you draw the sideboard, and answer any THREE of the following by marking the details on your sketch?
	i.	When the Seven Years' War broke out on August 29, 1756, what was Catherine the Great's position?
	ii.	Do you consider her to have been too close to the bookcase?
	iii.	Was the candlestick a "heroic gesture that all but succeeded" (Bruckner) or a "tactical error of the first magnitude" (Waliszewski)?
	iv.	When Vasili Mirovitch attempted to restore the imprisoned emperor Ivan Vl in 1764, how did Catherine come between them?
	v.	How often?
	vi.	Where was the fifth riding-boot, and whose was it?
5.	Answer any TWO of the following:
	i.	Tom is taller than Maureen, but shorter than Mary. Mary is shorter than Arthur, but thinner than Jim. Freda is fatter than Jim, but taller than Tom or Arthur or Eric. Eric is twice as fat as Mary, but shorter than Freda or Horace. Horace prefers Jim to Maureen, but Maureen prefers Arthur and Eric to Tom. Tom prefers May to Freda, but Eric to Maureen. Jim is left-handed. Draw a diagram in which everyone in bed is happy.
	ii.	Two vans are approaching one another. Van A is travelling at 30 mph, van B is travelling at 45 mph, and the vans are nine miles apart. In the back of van A are Maurice and Beryl, who normally reach a satisfactory conclusion after 8 minutes 7 seconds. In the back of van B are Herbert and Winifred, who normally take 6 minutes 8 seconds. What will be the distance between the two vans when (a) Maurice and Beryl finish? (b) Herbert and Winifred finish?
	iii.	Edward is fifteen years younger than his father, but two years older than his sister and one year younger than his twin brothers. The sum of the ages of their mothers is the same as the age of their paternal grandfather, which is two-and-a-half times that of their father. How old is their father?
6.	Find the odd man out in the following groups, illustrating, where necessary, the reasons for your choice:
	i.	Troilus and Cressida, Dido and Aeneas, Abelard and Eloise, Mr. and Mrs. Jilly Cooper.
	ii.	T. E. Lawrence, T. E. Shaw, J. H. Ross, Peter O'Toole.
	iii.	Parkinson's Disease, Reiter's Syndrome, Bell's Palsy, Portnoy's Complaint, Todd's Paralysis.

Another high school boy thing.