Did you know that the Olympic sex test, which is known as a "femininity control", consists merely of two scientific samplings?
And is done so discreetly that nobody ever hears about it except the unfortunate person concerned?
Get on with it
So wouldn't you like to settle all your own nagging doubts by taking this exhaustive and enthralling sex test in the privacy of your own track suit?
FOR THOSE WHO THINK THEY ARE MEN
Do you hereby swear that you are entering this Olympic do-it-yourself sex test not for national glory or for monetary gain, but merely for the sheer satisfaction of taking part?
Do you undertake solemnly to abide by the result?
Do you promise that you are not taking this test with the use of any drugs?
FOR THOSE WHO THINK THEY ARE WOMEN
Why do you wear a track suit before and after your event?
Because it keeps my limbs supple and warm
Because the manufacturer insists on it
Because I get a funny feeling when I see other men staring at my legs
If you are a wrestler or boxer, what is your attitude to your opponent?
I just try to beat him, that's all
I try to exact revenge on him for all the suffering my father inflicted on my mother
I admire his finely tuned physique inordinately
When you see a javelin flying through the air, what do you think?
Look, there's a javelin flying through the air
My goodness, what a thrilling, powerful, yet somehow threatening sight
There's a corny old phallic symbol for you
That reminds me where did I leave my knitting needles?
What would your reaction be to getting a bronze medal?
Only gold is good enough for me
Bronze doesn't match my hair
Which of the following most nearly describes your feelings when caught in a bunch of runners?
I hope my number's on straight
You'd think one of them would let me through first
Men! They're only after one thing, all of them. Gold.
When a fellow athlete points admiringly to a girl runner's legs, do you say?
She's a knock-out and no mistake; if only I wasn't in training...
Not bad, I suppose, but her hair's a real mess
Have you ever felt a compulsion to write to the leader of the Liberal Party?
Have you ever misread Brahm's String Sextet as Brahm's String Sex Test?
No, but I sometimes get mixed up with the Franck sonata and Frank Sinatra
Has it ever occurred to you that Jesse Owens sounds like a woman's name?
Wasn't she a woman? Or am I thinking of Leni Riefenstahl? Or was it Lenny Riefenstahl? Oh dear, I do get mixed up
What is your attitude to drugs?
Well everyone uses them, don't they?
I did try them once but they put on pounds immediately, and it did nothing for my figure at all
You may have noticed that your chest is more well developed than that of the male. What do you think the purpose of this is?
To reach the tape just that bit sooner
Well, because my trainer says I need the hormone treatment to keep my chest well developed, otherwise I may have to undergo the femininity control and then I'd have to go back into the Bulgarian Army as a corporal
If a fellow competitor in a throwing event makes a mess of a throw and drops her discus or shot or javelin, what is your reaction?
I think, thank God the silly cow has had another foul throw
I leap forward and gallantly pick it up for her
If you discover that there was a rumour among your rivals that you were really a man, would you
Start shaving more often?
Toss your. head and flounce away?
Burst into tears?
Knock them down?
Do you consider that the women's shot putt event is
Pretty expensive on underarm deodorants?
Hell on the average bra strap?
A way to earn a living?
Is this a picture of
a man embracing his coach?
a girl embracing her coach?
the sex test people carrying off a suspect?
part of the Linda Lovelace jury?
In training, do you prefer to go for a run with
A good romance story with a happy ending?
If you win a medal, and the President of the IOC gives vou a kiss when he presents it, what will you do?
Kiss him back
Slap his wrist
Smash his face in
Does this ink blot remind you of
a woman in a fur coat?
a man with a black beard?
a New Yorker cartoon?
a lobster run over?
some other urgent engagement?
If you think your race is likely to end in a photofinish, would you
Spike your nearest opponent?
Dip for the tape?
Smooth your hair back?
Which injury or accident do you fear most?
Have you ever felt a compulsion to write to the leader of the Tory Party?
What is your favourite hobby?
Mind your own flaming business
When you have completed the test and the coupon below, send it to the address on the coupon for completely confidential and discreet treatment.
23 Tudor Street
I understand that you will use all my intimate confessions in the most lurid fashion possible
This is one of those things that high school boys seem to make photocopies of photocopies endlessly. Obviously at one point one of them must have actually looked in an issue of Punch.
I think this must have been a commentary on Russian and East German women olympians in the 1970s taking male hormones, but could easily be transferred to the Chinese women swimming team of the 1990s.